As many of you know, I haven’t been back to visit my family since I left in 2007. My father came here in 2008 but I haven’t seen him since then. 

In November, he suffered two strokes. He turned 89 in January. I need to visit him.

To do this, I need to find someone who is willing to take care of my cat and my house for two weeks. If I leave my house unoccupied, I will return to a ruin. My house will be sacked, vandalized, destroyed. 

So I really really need to find someone willing to stay here for two weeks in March or April. 

Do you feel the need to flee from civilization for a couple weeks? Then this is an excellent opportunity! 

Responsibilities: 

• Take care of my cat. He is sweet, playful, likes to sleep. But he is NOT tame! He has been with me since he was three months old, so while he isn’t feral, he behaves just like a feral cat. He bites. He scratches. He doesn’t meow, only vocalizing when he is hungry or when playing with his little stuffed zebra, usually around 11:00 pm. But he is my friend, and a good friend. And my life would be poorer without him
• Take care of the house. Basically, this means sweeping, turning off the energy when there is lightning, call the electric company if the energy goes out, water if necessary, remove the larger spiders and snakes and kissing bugs when they wander into the house (without killing them!), maintain a visible presence, watch over the spring. There will be no need to confront any hunters should they show up. Just call a number I will leave with you.
• That’s it.

Pros:

• Tranquility. Usually it’s very very calm.. You can completely tune out if that is your desire. Once in a while, idiots will go up the mountain screaming and causing a scandal. Sometimes hunters will shoot their guns at night. But usually, you can completely shut the world out. 
• The view. From the front porch, you can see almost the entire southern half of the capixaba coastline. 
• WiFi. I won’t leave my computer but you will have a 5 mg connection. It isn’t much, but it is the best I can get up here
• Bananas bananas bananas! And chocolate, tomatoes, tomatillos, golden gooseberries, peppers, soursop, etc etc. all organic. 
• Spring water. 
• An electric shower head. You won’t need to take a freezing cold shower (a Danish tourist in Nicaragua called them suicide showers). 

Cons:

• The house is brutally rustic and when cold and wet it is not comfortable. Fortunately, March and April are really comfortable months here. August, not so much (it’s bloody cold!).
• There’s no really way to close the house off against wild animals that come and go at will. You might get up during the night and find coatis, opossums, boas, etc in the kitchen. Usually they run out when they hear someone coming. 
• Here there are scorpions, poisonous spiders, and poisonous snakes. You CANNOT put on our shoes or pants that have spent the night sitting on a chair without first checking for hiding beasties. 
• Mosquitos, mosquitos, mosquitos. Millions of mosquitos. But only during the day. Mosquitos at night are rare. And fortunately the mosquitos here in Tapuio are not dangerous. You won’t get dengue or yellow fever here. There are also biting flies and midges. Mosquito repellent is your best friend and you will spend time slathered in it. 
• Access to the area is extremely difficult. After a hard rain, it can be impossible in any form except on foot. Cars cannot make it up to the house. Sometimes even motorcycles can’t make it up here. But the nearest inhabited house is only about 4 km away (about 2.5 miles), a (not so) quick walk down the mountain. During the week, there is also an occasional neighbor whose house is about 5 minutes or so away. If you shout, he will hear you. If he is there. And below me, there is a house about 600 meters down the mountain. Nobody lives there but the owner is almost always there during the day to work the land. 
• I do not have an air conditioner. I do have a fan. And a couple showers. If the day is hot, you’ll probably want to remain immobile (preferably in front of the refrigerator) from 9 in the morning to 6 in the evening, getting up only to take a cold shower and drink water. Nights, though, are fantastically cool. Fortunately, late March and April are not particularly hot months. The highs are usually in the upper 70s or low 80s. Nights might require a sweatshirt.
• I don’t have a television. But I have wifi. Come with a laptop and use my Netflix. If you have a VPN you can also watch Hulu, if you have an account

Miscellaneous:

• This is not a place for anyone afraid of spiders or snakes or frogs, etc. This is forest. 
• This is NOT a place for children. The closest permanent neighbor is 4 kilometers away. During the day, workers might be up here and there is a neighbor about 5 minutes away, but he only comes sometimes. 
• The energy can go out for any number of reasons. Transformer fuses burn out at the mere mention of lightning and the energy company is never prompt about restoring power. Usually, the power company takes from 11 to 15 hours to restore energy, but I’ve waited as long as 3 days. Fortunately, March and April are not particularly prone to violent weather events and the power might not go out at all.
• Although hunting is illegal here, poaching is a serious issue and calling the police is pointless. They have no way to drive up here. But I will leave the number for IBAMA, the federal environmental police. I can also leave the number for a neighboring landowner who is against hunters and should anything happen, he will immediately come up. 
• I am a vegan and I keep a vegan house. But I do have a second house up here, about three minutes from this one. If you are a meat eater, you might want to stay in that house instead. It is both quieter and easier to close off from wandering beasts. But the energy is a bit more precarious and it doesn’t have wifi. 
• My house is smoke free. If you are a smoker, please smoke outside the house and please do not throw your cigarettes on the ground.
• It is an excellent opportunity for someone looking to rest, or for an artisan or writer or photographer looking to do some isolated work. You’ll be very isolated here.
• Should you need anything, I can leave the number of friends who can bring you anything you might need or help you out. 
• Cell service is fine here.
• This is not a paying gig.

Some people have told me I should not mention all the potential issues you could possibly encounter, or not mention the wildlife. I think it is important to be upfront and honest about it. Nothing would be worse then leaving my house in your care, flying off to the US, only to have you bolt because I didn’t tell you about the wildlife.

Want to see pictures of Tapuio on Instagram? You will find them here.

You can find more information about Tapuio here.

Interested? Get in touch with me on WhatsApp +55.28.99915.7606  or by email. You can also call me on FaceTime or send messages with iMessage using the above phone number.

Please don’t call my cell phone. I don’t accept calls from numbers I don’t know. Only calls on WhatsApp or FaceTime will be accepted.